quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.