Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
checking out some reviews of my local library
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.