Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants