[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour