A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.