my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”