The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this