My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.