Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.