I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
You Might Also Like
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[eulogy]
line?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
There is no “we” in chocolate.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.