*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
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Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
bought wrong eggs
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
🤣dope
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
This might be the funniest tweet ever