When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Happy Febuary everyone!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Oh yeh? Explain this then
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good