Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
True statement👍😏😁
IT’S-A ME,
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?