If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.