My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
accurate
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Life cycle of cat
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
the official breakfast of 2021
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry