If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
can you read it!!??
maan!
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!