Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
no cat here
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?