Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
You Might Also Like
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
🤣🤣🤣
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.