I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
everyone has that one prude friend
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”