If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
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Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.