she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
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All of my best ideas involve jail time.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth