2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
synchronized noseblowing
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Cheers Twitter.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.