me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned