*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple