Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
You Might Also Like
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
CUTE CAT‼︎
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What