My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
R.I.P.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?