Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
doing some research
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.