I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Just a friendly reminder!
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.