If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.