Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago