Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??