What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
New favorite tiktok
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.