Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡