Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly