my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
When I said I liked it rough.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”