The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley