if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Sex so good you see dead people.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.