One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”