undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
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Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”