If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
He just like my cat fr
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies