wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Blew my mind.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!