After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
constantly working on myself.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.