[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
This is painfully accurate 😅