Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 đť“𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.