For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.