I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Going into Monday like
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later