Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Fries, not lies.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*