Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what