If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“What movie?” 🤔
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?