me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Schrödinger’s cookie
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”